Laughter in the Time of Isolation

Trials and Tribulations of Isolation Cooking:  Let's be honest, I'm an adequate cook. I'm no Julia Child but you can eat most of my dishes without diarrhea or projectile vomiting. Other than writing this blog, binging TV shows, doing jigsaw puzzles, I've been experimenting in the kitchen.  Years ago I read an article about how bad microwave popcorn is for your health. I think it causes cancer, hair loss, frigidity in women, 4 hour erections in men, itchiness, measles, mumps, chicken pox and internal bleeding. Therefore, I pop my corn the old fashioned way with a skillet and a matching lid (very important that the lid fits). I've been popping corn often and experimenting with flavors. Listed below are my experiences of adding flavoring before popping and the results. 1. Sweet and Sour Sauce - Don't try this at home ladies and gentlemen. The sauce burns before the kernels pop. You get about half of the corn popped and the rest a black burned mess....

My kitchen has been much busier than usual during this pandemic. I never was a very good cook. When raising my family, which included twin boys, the goal was always quantity over quality. I could throw a box of macaroni, can of tomatoes and ground beef in a pot and it would disappear faster than any David Copperfield illusion. I learned to cook from my mother, whose food is hardly edible but my dad's cooking was even worse. Dad cooked dinner once when mom had her appendix removed. He opened the Swanson Pot Pie, put it in the oven and served it. The crust had a golden color but the inside was still frozen.  Mom's famous cooking expressions: 1. "Who drains off the fat? If it doesn't have some kind of grease, it has no flavor."  2. "What the hell is ethnic food? We eat American around here, now finish your spaghetti." 3. "I saw on the TV that Chinese food is made from dogs. I don't like dogs but I ain't gonna eat them." 4. "If y...

Today I got a reminder that it's the second Tuesday of the month. Google calendar told me to go to Beanie's at 4:30 to meet my friends for a cocktail and dinner. I'm extremely disappointed that I can't go, but you can't stop me from dinner and cocktails. At 4:30 I'm going to make a vodka martini, straight up with olives and shove a pizza in the oven while listening to country music.  For years I hated country music. Dad used to blare Hank Snow and Mom was into Buck Owens. Every Saturday morning we listened to that music and cleaned the house. Double torture, it was water boarding before we knew what water boarding was. Anyway, if you don't like country music I'm going to share with you some of the lyrics that now make the music irresistible. If you like clever lyrics, you'll understand my new addiction. Dixie Chicks - Earl Had to Die - It's a ballad about domestic abuse and you guessed it, Earl was the abuser who disappeared. "Tho...

🍰 Hello Mates:  During this period of isolation I've decided to learn a new language, the Queen's English. I've been non stop binge watching "The Great British Baking Show," and my vocabulary shows it. If you "fancy a cuppa," go make a cup of tea and continue reading.  The first phrase I learned (one of my favorites), Nancy looked directly at the camera and said, "Oh my, those biscuits are a real cock up." I thought perhaps I'd heard that incorrectly so I replayed it and sure enough that's what Nancy said, then I eyed the biscuits to see if they were shaped like a man's private parts. I was bloody addled as to the meaning of cock up. I asked my friend Google and she told me; it means mistake, a failure of large or epic proportion. So if we ever get out of this isolation and you hear me call something a "cock up" you'll know I've not turned to prostitution. At another contestant's station, Martha reads...