Missing my Mom

My kitchen has been much busier than usual during this pandemic. I never was a very good cook. When raising my family, which included twin boys, the goal was always quantity over quality. I could throw a box of macaroni, can of tomatoes and ground beef in a pot and it would disappear faster than any David Copperfield illusion. I learned to cook from my mother, whose food is hardly edible but my dad's cooking was even worse. Dad cooked dinner once when mom had her appendix removed. He opened the Swanson Pot Pie, put it in the oven and served it. The crust had a golden color but the inside was still frozen. 

Mom's famous cooking expressions:
1. "Who drains off the fat? If it doesn't have some kind of grease, it has no flavor." 
2. "What the hell is ethnic food? We eat American around here, now finish your spaghetti."
3. "I saw on the TV that Chinese food is made from dogs. I don't like dogs but I ain't gonna eat them."
4. "If you don't put bacon grease in vegetables they taste like grass. Ya want to eat grass? Go get a handful of that Bermuda out there.
5. "Eat your dinner, there are kids in China that are starving." Me: "Mom, did they run out of dogs?" Mom: "Yeah, and the cats are getting scarce too."
6. "This is not a diner, take it or leave it." 
7. "I slaved all day on this meal now eat your beanie wienies and don't complain." 
8. "It's Sunday so we're having a ham, tomorrow we're having ham sandwiches, Tuesday it's ham and beans."
9. "Stop complaining, if you think you can cook better than me here's the fire extinguisher."
10. "What's wrong with tuna noodle casserole? Do I have to remind you about the kids in China again." Me: "No mom, I hear they have a shortage of cats and have moved on to rats." Mom: "Then eat your tuna casserole and count your blessings."
11. Mom: "I'm hungry when is dinner." Mom: "I'm not like Samantha on Bewitched, I can't just wiggle my nose and have dinner on the table."
12. Me: "Not fish sticks again." Mom: "If God wanted you to eat fresh fish he wouldn't have created Gordon the Fisherman."

My dear father never complained about anything, he ate it, he liked it and then he made me and my sisters do the dishes. As he winked at me he would say, "Doing dishes is better than eating household pets." I had to agree he was right.

Mom still thinks she's a good cook, she's always telling the servers at the nursing home how to improve the food. Some of the remarks I've heard: the vegetables are bland, do you own a salt and pepper shaker? Chickens don't come in nuggets, bring me a thigh. I can read the newspaper through this piece of steak. When you make chicken and noodle soup what's the first ingredient? Where's the chicken, did you just wave it over the pot? And finally my favorite: Pudding for desert again? Do I look like a toddler? I did not reply but I smiled to myself, "Well mom, you wear a diaper and can't walk."

                             We usually didn't get peas in our casserole.

Next time: I'll share with you some of my quarantine cooking successes and disasters. 

Thanks for reading.