Laughter in the Time of Isolation

Is it just me, or is network television becoming more and more unbearable?  Examples: Lego Masters, watching people make Lego structures. The Masked Singer, celebrities singing in tiger costumes. Saturday Night Live filmed from 10 different homes. Any talk show filmed from home is worse than watching a dental procedure. I'm always on the search for entertainment in this time of Covid 19,  I've become addicted to the internet. I've toured The Louvre, Machu Picchu and the Palace of Versailles. Can you imagine me with culture and class? No? Me neither that's why I'm also visiting sites like  nooooooooooooooo.com It's a panic button, when the stress of watching Lego Masters starts to get to you go to this website for relief. I'm also fond of  http://eelslap.com/    there is at least one person I would really like to bitch slap with an eel, how about you? Wanna go back to the days we could waste toilet paper? Here's your site  http://papertoilet.com/ ...

Written April 18, 2020 Yesterday I went grocery shopping. Ordinarily that wouldn't be headline news but we are now in the age of paper shortages. I had a plan; first, I went to Winn Dixie when the doors opened, I headed straight to the paper products. To my surprise, there were paper towels and toilet paper on the shelves. I headed to the towels first because I've been rationing those bastards for a couple of weeks, then... I see the sign.  Only one paper product per shopper per day.  I had to choose between wiping my ass or drying my hands (now I know why Europeans have bidets). I grabbed the towels and headed to the check out. The cashier tells me that'll be $19.89, what? I didn't buy lobster or steak. Yes it was a large package but those paper towels cost as much as two boxes of the very best wine. Holy Shit! I got back in the car and drove to Publix. Again I head for the paper aisle and I find toilet paper. No Charmin but they did have Angel Soft, I am cured of...

Written April 10, 2020 Last night on my third glass of wine I got hungry and ate a whole bag of chips. You may be wondering how they came to be in my house? On my last trip to the grocery store I had a conversation with a bag of Lay's. I told that bag that I would buy it but I was only going to eat 15 chips a day. The bag agreed and promised me that it would self isolate after the first 15 chips and then not open for 24 hours. That bastard lied. Not only did it not close, it kept whispering in my ear to eat more, more, more. Never trust a bag of chips my friends. You may also be wondering how it is that I can drink a whole bottle of wine most nights. When I get lonely and Blanka can't fill the void, I can have a great conversation with a bottle of wine. It goes something like this, "Good evening my love, I've been waiting all day for you." The wine shows me his beautiful legs running down the side of my glass. I close my eyes and take that first sip, he d...

Written April 4, 2020 Pro: 1. Blanka and I can eat and drink (cheap boxed wine) for under $100.00 a week. 2. I can cook and eat as many bean dishes as I desire. If Blanka backs away from me I just put a few beans in her dog food so we're equal. 3. I have valid excuses for not exercising more. Don't tell me to walk outside, it's too hot (a valid excuse). 4. I am excising my brain by catching up on my television shows, spoiler alert: Henry the VIII was a real asshole. 5. No Jehovah Witnesses are ringing the doorbell. 6. No one can call me crazy when I talk to myself. Con: 1. No Happy Hours with my friends. Here's hoping Beanie's survives. 2. Travel is completely off the table and I've learned that cruising is dangerous. 3. Toilet Paper shortage, I never really appreciated Charmin. 4. I have to do my own pedicures, and it's not easy reaching my toes.  5. I feel like I'm dating Lester Holt on the 6:30 news. 6. No movie th...