Avoiding Danger in the Supermarket

Written April 18, 2020

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. Ordinarily that wouldn't be headline news but we are now in the age of paper shortages. I had a plan; first, I went to Winn Dixie when the doors opened, I headed straight to the paper products. To my surprise, there were paper towels and toilet paper on the shelves. I headed to the towels first because I've been rationing those bastards for a couple of weeks, then... I see the sign. Only one paper product per shopper per day. I had to choose between wiping my ass or drying my hands (now I know why Europeans have bidets). I grabbed the towels and headed to the check out. The cashier tells me that'll be $19.89, what? I didn't buy lobster or steak. Yes it was a large package but those paper towels cost as much as two boxes of the very best wine. Holy Shit! I got back in the car and drove to Publix. Again I head for the paper aisle and I find toilet paper. No Charmin but they did have Angel Soft, I am cured of being a toilet paper snob. They also had the sign about buying only one of either. I leave Publix and head to Aldi because I'm cheap and Blanka and I have grown attached to some of their products. They are only allowing 50 people in the store. I was one of the lucky 50! When in your life have you celebrated being allowed in a freaking grocery store. I bought enough meat products to last until September, 2022 because I heard COVID-19 is closing packing plants. That last sentence was an exaggeration, I don't want you to think I'm one of those horrible hoarder people. I did all this with my homemade mask. I am the least crafty person in the entire world. I tied a scarf on my face that kept falling off or creeping down. I had to continually touch my face to pull up the mask, I think I defeated the entire purpose of covering my face. I felt like I was in an episode of the twilight zone, there were zombie like creatures with colorful masks and garden gloves everywhere.

I've been making it a point to tell everyone I see "thank you for working." I'm now buddies with the lawn care team, the mailman, the grocery clerks, the pizza boy, etc. I think I'm starting to get special treatment, my lawn gets mowed first. Wait, that might not be special since I wake up around 7:30/8:00 and mowing starts at daybreak. The mailman is putting less junk mail in my box. He must know I just throw it directly into the trash. The grocery clerks are double bagging my gallon of milk, how thoughtful. The pizza boy is the best, every time he delivers a pizza he tells me how nice it is to see me. He may have a crush on this sexy cougar; after all, I'm very hard to resist with my uncombed hair, my paisley nightgown and bunny rabbit slippers. 

My dog has not lost all of her marbles, she remembers the sound of the doorbell. Not that anyone comes to my house but if there's a bell on the television, she jumps up and barks at the door. Don't worry, the two of us are entertaining each other. She's the best at finding the outside edges on the jigsaw puzzle.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Back to the Bad Ole Days

Image
 What the hell Rona?  Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water the beast known as "The Rona" shows it's ugly head again. Here's the thing, as an "elder" (that's what my grandson used to call me), I'm scared of crap that never used to frighten me. Here's an example: I see a guy walking in my neighborhood with a saw, I don't think "Oh, he's here to trim my palm trees" I think of these guys.  Back in the day, a hurricane was an opportunity to batten down the hatches and throw back a cocktail or two. Now I'm petrified that a tree will fall on my house and kill me. I'm afraid to drive without a seat belt, ride a bike without a helmet, drink water from the hose, or walk anywhere outside of my senior community alone. Some might say, that's part of our changing society so get used to the terror that surrounds us. However I suspect when we were young and bullet proof, we never considered consequences. There
Read more

The Stepford Wives

Image
  Life in the Hood My neighborhood association is having a zoom meeting today, so as expected, there are signs about the meeting at the entrances of the streets. On my walk this morning someone put a sticker on the sign asking why a lamp light isn't working at a particular home? I swear it wasn't me! The association probably won't believe me since I already had this fight with them and it cost me $377.00 to fix the light. Their argument is that if I had an emergency the ambulance wouldn't be able to see my house number (yes the house number must be on the light). My response, "Don't they have headlights on the vehicles? Won't they see the large house number on my garage? Do they have GPS?" As I said I lost that battle and forked over an entire month of wine purchases to have it fixed.  Last year our president tried to pass a rule that we had to get a background check on our visitors if they stayed over a certain period of time. I'm not kidding! Th
Read more

My Community

Image
  Walking the Streets Are you looking for something to pass the time while you're in self imposed lock down? After walking the dog around the block I decided to bring her home and go walking alone. I want to lose some weight and break up the boredom of spending a day alone with just me, the TV and the refrigerator. I've learned so much about my neighbors and my entire community. I know who are Republicans and who are Democrats. I know who are Gator fans and who support the Buckeyes. I've learned long walks on recycle days will show who to invite to a party. I passed one house with the recycling container over flowing with wine and beer bottles. That taught me that I'm not a wino, I'm just an upstanding member of my community. They say walking is the best exercise, it's also a walk down mem ory lane. I passed a house with a couple taking a break from putting up Christmas decorations. They were in lawn chairs listening to Waylon and Willie singing, "Mama Don&
Read more