Welcome to the new normal

 Where Were you When the World Shrank?

While walking my dog this morning, I saw a couple neighbors walking due to boredom or for exercise. The three of us (at an acceptable distance) discussed whether we're ever getting out of self isolation. I found out that there have been 4 cases in my immediate neighborhood. I also learned that Wawa is closed because an employee tested positive. Bob Evans is closed without a statement, so we all assume it's the virus's fault. Will we ever be free again? Seems like an appropriate question on the 4th of July.

I miss my friends and family, so I've made some immediate changes to my life. No more stinkin thinkin.

 

I'm making myself my new best friend. Things I can do by myself:

1. Play bridge with a robot online. There are many advantages, imagine never being asked what that bid means? Never having to put on a bra! Never having to sit across from someone with body odor. Being able to sign out when you get tired, hungry or bored.

2. I can do jigsaw puzzles without someone working on the easy colors. All the edge pieces are mine all alone. I don't have to say, "that piece doesn't fit, don't force it."

3. I can carry on a conversation with myself. Me: "Hey Kathy, do you want to watch the news?" Kathy: "Hell no, I don't want anymore bad news." Me: "But Kathy I hear that ABC has a hot new anchor." Kathy: "Why didn't you lead with that?" Me: "I wanted to surprise you, I know you are getting cabin fever." Kathy: "Turn on the television and don't say a word about me French kissing the screen."

4. I've assigned my dog as my new confidante, I can tell her anything. "Blanka, do you know what you're mama did when she was young?" She really doesn't want to know since she put her paws over her ears. "Blanka, guess who is having an affair?" Blanka: "Woof." Me: "No silly, who would have an affair with Wolf Blitzer? Blanka: "Whining" Me: "Okay I'll tell you, Lassie and Rin Tin Tin, can you believe it?" 

5. I can go star gazing with myself. Lay a blanket in the backyard and stare at the sky in my nightgown. Even with a drawing I can't see those constellations. However, this one might get you into trouble, like the time my neighbor called the police for a wellness check or the time I laid the blanket on a red ant hill.

6. I'm perfecting my skills at a foreign language. I've always spoken pretty good "redneck" but I'm getting even better. "I'm fixin to go over yonder and get me some crawdads." I started to learn the language from my ex father-in-law. While riding in his car he saw a new truck pulling a big boat. He exclaimed, "If I had that rig and that fella had a feather up his ass we'd both be tickled." He also used to say, "His cornbread ain't done in the middle" and "Madder than a cat getting baptized." My ex-husband tried that southern talk, "You're madder than a wet hen." I got him back with, "Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.  

Anyone up for a barbecue?