My Dog Needs a Therapist and Other Lock Down Stories

 Hacked By My Best Friend

So I step away from the house to go buy dog food and while I'm gone my dog hijacks my computer. I punished her with a serious talking to and two weeks with no Animal Planet on television. It is true that after 6 months in isolation, I screamed when I stepped on the scale. It's not true that my crap stinks. I can't believe she told you that after all the times I have had to hold my breath and pick up her poop two or three times a day.

I was in shock after weighing myself. One of you guys told me that calories don't count when no one sees you eating them. BTW, that is so not true, "You Were Lying Like a No-legged dog." I was cooking comfort food that your grandma would be proud of, chicken pot pie with biscuits, stuffed peppers, country fried steak, Italian sausages. I made bacon, pancakes and eggs for breakfast. I told myself that I had some very good reasons for my food choices.

1.) No one had to look at me.

2.) Blanka doesn't care what I eat or how I look (as long as she gets some leftovers).

3.) I needed to be comforted and that pizza was my boo.

4.) Who cares if I'm 3 biscuits short of 300 lbs. 

The scale, which does not lie, showed that I weighed 20 pounds more than when I was 9 months pregnant with twins. As my momma used to say, "I pitched a hissy fit" all by myself. After that I made a plan. First I had to eat all the chips, cheese, crackers, mayo, butter, and ice cream in the house. People in China are starving so I couldn't just throw it out, you understand right? Then I had to change my diet to fruits, vegetables, and lean meats. That wasn't too hard, I love broccoli (I love it better with cheese sauce).When I set my mind to it, I've always been able to lose weight. The problem is keeping it off, at that I've failed miserably, but mama always said, "You Never Fail Till You Stop Trying."

I read an article online about walking off the pounds. During the first paragraph it said that to maintain your weight you should walk 10,000 steps a day but to lose weight you need to walk 15,000 steps a day. WTF? I've been lied to again. It was always 10,000, who changed the rules? I bet it was one of those skinny little writers at Vogue, you know, the ones that eat lettuce sandwiches with a side of kale. The ones that are so skinny that if they stood sideways and stuck out their tongue they'd look like a zipper. I'm devastated, distraught and as my mama used to say, "I've Got my Knickers in a Knot." My dog is already resistant to long walks, she's no spring chicken like her mother 😂. Since it's been cooler I've been walking about 4,000 steps in the morning and afternoon. I know that the princess is tired, hungry and hot in that fur coat so I take her back to the house and feed her. Then I try to get out the door to walk more, as soon as I shut the door all hell breaks loose. She cries, she barks, she acts like I'm leaving and never coming back. I keep going and hope there's not an eviction notice on my front door or a member of the Gestapo (my Home Owner Association) there when I get back. I can hear her for at least a block. 

Yesterday was the first time I hit 15,000 steps. Many of those steps were from circling the living room, dining room and kitchen. I've made more trips around the kitchen island than Bobby Flay ever does. I was plum tuckered out but "Happy as a Woodpecker in a Lumber Yard." 

I'm not trying to look like Heidi Klum, I'm not looking for a sugar daddy; I just want to be able to tie my shoes comfortably, not die young and stop shopping in the "big girl" aisles. Is that too much to ask?