You can always go Downtown!
Well maybe not!
In my last post I decided no more Stinkin Thinkin! Therefore, while thinking about my next blog entry I decided to rip off David Letterman and do a top ten list.
Top Ten People Covid-19 has taken a dump on!
10. Walmart Greeters - "Welcome to Walmart, limit one toilet paper but you can buy as much beer and wine as you need to make it through the day." What the greeter should say, "Welcome to Walmart, I get up every day and go to work where I could catch a deadly disease and die, all for $8.50 an hour so that you can buy toilet paper. In case you're wondering YES I hate my job."
9. Covid-19 Tester - "Good morning ma'am, do you mind if I stick this swab up your nasal passage all the way to your eye socket? Thank you and your results will be available in 1 to 2 weeks. Don't worry if you don't survive that long we'll notify your next of kin whether you were positive or negative. Have a nice day and YES I hate my job too but at least I make more than a Walmart Greeter."
8. Teacher - "Good Morning Class! Did we all wash our hands this morning? Johnny you are too close to Susie, move away please. Tommy, did I see your dad at the market without a mask? Jordan, underwear on your head does not qualify as a mask. Amanda, swallowing bleach will not make you safe. Class we are not having sex education this year since you can't get within 6 feet of anyone, besides the stork is self quarantining. YES I love my job and I still make more than the Walmart Greeter (but not much).
7. Grocery cashier - "Thank you for shopping at Publix, where shopping is a pleasure. Did you find everything you need? No? Well we are out of toilet paper, paper towels, hand sanitizer, masks, disinfectants, chicken wings, bacon, sausage and pork chops. I see you found the BOGO on pizza and ice cream. We also have 7 packages of potato chips for $10.00. Of course I'll wait for you grab them. Have a beautiful day, and YES I love my job because after all I'm working as a Publix cashier and not a Walmart Greeter."
6. High School Senior - "Mom, I just got an email that prom is has been canceled. Is that true?" Mom: "Yes honey, I'm sorry." "What? You mean no slow dancing, no spiked punch, no limo, no staying in a hotel, no getting to 2nd or 3rd base with my date?" "No dear but we can stay home together and watch 'Pretty in Pink'." "Mom, don't take this the wrong way but I'd rather walk on hot coals." "Ok dear but remember it could be worse you could be a Walmart Greeter." "Sorry Mom, you're right that would be much worse."
5. Nurse - "Mr. Johnson welcome to the Covid unit. My name is Mary and I'll be caring for you. I've taped my picture on my name badge so you know that I'm not Hannibal Lecter. Didn't I see you dancing on the table at Hooters the other night? Drinking the patrons beers probably wasn't the best idea. I know those masks make it hard to breathe, but we have respirators for that so you won't have to wear one for a while. Mr. Johnson, who did you come in contact with other than the dancers at the Gentleman's Club. No it's not true that lap dances cure the virus. Mr. Johnson I still love my job despite your ignorance and I make 5 times the salary of a Walmart Greeter."
4. Politicans - Republicans: "America, don't worry we've got this under control." Democrats: "Find the closest bomb shelter and don't come out for a year." Republicans: The left hates America." Democrats: The right wants us all to die." Republicans: I need a drink, I'm opening the bars." Democrats: "I need a drink, I'll head to the liquor store, since that has been deemed essential." Republicans: I'm making millions in the stock market, that sure beats being a Walmart Greeter. Democrat: I have 27 trust funds worth millions and that beats being a Walmart Greeter." Walmart Greeter: "You both may be rich but my approval rating is way higher than either of yours."
3. Prostitutes: Chantilly: "Sapphire, has your business dropped off with the advent of Covid?" Sapphire: "Of course Chantilly, but I have a work around." "What is it?" "My Johns deem me as an essential worker because essentially, they're men and define essential differently then women." Chantilly: I have a work around too." "What's yours?" "Well some video stuff on the computer or I have phone sex. I prefer video because with phone sex the receiver gets stuck sometimes and the paramedics are getting angry." "LOL girl, at least we aren't Walmart Greeters but they do tip better than politicians.
2. Home Schoolers - Dad: "Son open up your math book to page 25." Son: Will you help me with that, I only got up to 24 yesterday." Dad: Don't make me angry, I don't have any rules about spanking the students." Son: "Maybe not but I'll tell mom and she'll spank you." Dad: "Forget about math let's try Geography. What is the capital of Florida?" Son: a F. Dad: What's the smallest state in the union." Son: "Mini-sota." Dad: "Where is the English Chanel?" Son: "I don't think we get that channel." Dad: "Remember that I suspended your sister yesterday for bad behavior." Son: "Dad, can you go straight to expelling me?" Dad: "Oh how I wish your mom was home and I was the Walmart Greeter."
1. Sports stars - Michael Jordan: "Back in my day there wasn't a virus and I could dribble on everyone." Mohammad Ali: "Well I could do the 'rope a dope' all day without the referee interfering." Arnold Palmer: "I could come out of my bunker and get in a bunker on hole 7." Willie Mays: "I never caught a virus but I could catch any fly ball. Wayne Gretzy: "I give the most powerful slapshots."
You need to move to Bunker Hill where blogging is a requirement! CUTE! Do you want to come over soon for swimming? Are you ready yet?
ReplyDeletelike it Kathy! Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteComedy is better than medicine!
ReplyDeleteYou're so entertaining. What a great blog.
ReplyDelete