Muggles vs. Witches

 Finding the real me

A few days ago a friend recommended that I read the Harry Potter series. Me: "I don't like that magic stuff." She: "This is different, yes there is magic but the story is wonderful and it's very easy to read." I think this friend was trying to tell me something. She saw my magical abilities and wanted me to recognize that I'm special.

I read the first book and then I started making some connections. A few days ago my ice maker stopped working. I opened the phone book to call a repairman when the freezer make a "kerplunk" sound so I opened the door and sure enough there was the first ice I'd had in 3 days. A coincident? Maybe, but not the first one. I recalled the day I was walking the dog and we saw a large black snake. Blanka barked at it, I jumped and the snake just slithered off out of sight. That snake knew not to bother us, it's Spidey senses realized I meant business. Then there's the time that I went to the bakery for a croissant and they were out. I turned to leave and the clerk said, "wait they just came out of the oven." But I really knew I was a witch when I woke up one morning on the area rug in the living room, I had just dreamed that I was on a magic carpet ride. I must be magical I tell you.

                

In my excitement I thought I might be the next Harriet Potter. It just makes sense. I have two friends just like Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley. My Hermione is smart, put together, a follow the rules person. She has her own sense of magic made of kindness and hard work. My Ron is always trying to get me in trouble with trolls, gargoyles and three headed dogs. Ron is lovable in his ineptitude, he can't use his wand like Hermione and me, but he is the bravest of the brave. 

 

I knew I'd have to practice before becoming a full fledged witch, so I went to The Magic Emporium and bought a wand (the expensive one with unicorn feathers) and a Nimbus 2000 flying broom. I started with easy spells I made the dog sit, beg, roll over and speak. Then I levitated her about a foot off the ground and turned her by 180 degrees and then put her down. I took my wand with me on my walks, I made a man's toupee fly off his head. I made a speeding car on Del Webb Blvd. slow down to 10 mph (the driver was pissed). I turned all the street lights off at 9:00, that didn't have much effect since the whole neighborhood was asleep. So I decided to set off everyone's alarm system. I saw people in their underwear trying to turn off the alarms. That was fun. The more I practiced the better I became. I even was able to turn back the meter on my electric panel, bypass the cable company and rewire my water bill to the crabby guy next door. I really want to be a good witch like Glinda but it's hard when you have powers.

Once I'd mastered the wand, I practiced flying on my broom. I only fly at night to prevent being arrested for witchcraft and burned at the stake, Sun City and Salem, MA have a reciprocal agreement to prosecute witches. Therefore I had to install a light (yes I used my magic wand). You have to make a running start and then pull up on the stick to rise. My first ride was jerky and bumpy until I got used to my new vehicle. I stayed low and buzzed over the houses in my hood, a couple of insomniacs did come outside to watch. I heard the next day that a UFO was reported near Emerald Lake Drive. I'm now very adept at flying and I'm doing good things like Glinda.

  

Last night I found a drunk driver and I incapacitated his car. The night before I scared off two thugs trying to break into Publix. Between my wand and my broom I'm becoming quite a superhero. Each night after saving the 33573, I've been flying high into the atmosphere to direct tropical storm Laura to the left. If you've been tracking the storm you'll notice how the cone of probability has been shifting west at each report. You're welcome Florida. 

The latest addition to my magic paraphernalia is my invisibility cloak. Just wrap up in it and you become invisible. It's great to steal french fries off diners plates. Should you get stopped by the police you can freak out the officer. A car driving itself? The most fun I've had is riding my broom, with my wand and invisibility cloak. It's easy to get in trouble with three items of such magical power, but I'm a good witch always struggling to do the right thing. 

It's not all fun and games being a witch, I applied to go to Hogwarts but was denied because I'm 67. I can't sue for age discrimination because the government doesn't believe in witches. I can't fly in the daytime because I can't risk getting caught and sent to Salem. 

I suppose it's time to organize a witches and wizards civil rights event. If any of you need my services I'm available at www.witchofthemonthclub.com make sure to ask for Glinda the Good Witch or Harriet Potter. Rates are reasonable and service is prompt.