The Stepford Wives

 Life in the Hood

My neighborhood association is having a zoom meeting today, so as expected, there are signs about the meeting at the entrances of the streets. On my walk this morning someone put a sticker on the sign asking why a lamp light isn't working at a particular home? I swear it wasn't me! The association probably won't believe me since I already had this fight with them and it cost me $377.00 to fix the light. Their argument is that if I had an emergency the ambulance wouldn't be able to see my house number (yes the house number must be on the light). My response, "Don't they have headlights on the vehicles? Won't they see the large house number on my garage? Do they have GPS?" As I said I lost that battle and forked over an entire month of wine purchases to have it fixed. 

Last year our president tried to pass a rule that we had to get a background check on our visitors if they stayed over a certain period of time. I'm not kidding! The reasoning? My Aunt Peggy might be a sexual predator. Needless to say that didn't pass. Aunt Peggy is free to go find a horny old man again. After that failed, leader tried to get us to sign proxies so that he could control our votes. I don't think that went well for him. Do we look that dumb?

One of my neighbors installed a Dish satellite receiver, it's smaller than a garbage can lid. Anyway he gets a knock on the door that he didn't get permission first. The association always approves them but for some reason they make you beg for permission first. This neighbor was less than thrilled about the intrusion and called the messenger a couple names that I can't repeat. 

This cabal tells us when to trim our trees, when to paint or replace our curbing, when to wash the sidewalk, when to clean the roof, paint the house, etc. With all this oversite you'd think our neighborhood was pristine. Not so, we have a couple of rebels. I think one house is growing his palm trees just to piss off the board. Another house has broken curbing that's black with dirt and age. 

We have a newer couple in the neighborhood and he's a bit of a rebel rouser. He sought election to the board but lost, he's sent out letters about recalling the president of the board and even established a website. 

Now I'm all for a nice neighborhood but our rulers take things a bit too far. Just last night as I was watching "The Bachelor" I got a knock on the door telling me that was inappropriate and that I needed to change the channel. It's a good thing they didn't come by when I was watching "Naked and Afraid." 

That's not all, we've all gotten a letter about the scheduling of toilet flushes. My schedule is 10 past the hour 4 times a day. Yesterday I had to run to the neighbors house to do number 2, imagine my embarrassment. During the winter when it's cooler we're required to open our windows and bake bread once a week.  Women's shorts must come to the knee because we might tempt those sexual predators visiting our neighbors. Talk about a double standard, men can wear those old school running shorts. And absolutely no drinking hard liquor while listening to Lady Gaga.

I'm just a little afraid that our rebel rouser might cause a rebellion. Can you imagine the slogans, "Bitches for Dishes," "Bachelor Nation Fans Matter,"  "Don't Measure My Shorts," and most of all "Let Aunt Peggy Date."

Most of this is absolutely true; however, I may or may not have been ambushed when watching The Bachelor. 😃