Laughter in the Time of Isolation

 What the hell Rona?  Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water the beast known as "The Rona" shows it's ugly head again. Here's the thing, as an "elder" (that's what my grandson used to call me), I'm scared of crap that never used to frighten me. Here's an example: I see a guy walking in my neighborhood with a saw, I don't think "Oh, he's here to trim my palm trees" I think of these guys.  Back in the day, a hurricane was an opportunity to batten down the hatches and throw back a cocktail or two. Now I'm petrified that a tree will fall on my house and kill me. I'm afraid to drive without a seat belt, ride a bike without a helmet, drink water from the hose, or walk anywhere outside of my senior community alone. Some might say, that's part of our changing society so get used to the terror that surrounds us. However I suspect when we were young and bullet proof, we never considered consequences. There ...

  Life in the Hood My neighborhood association is having a zoom meeting today, so as expected, there are signs about the meeting at the entrances of the streets. On my walk this morning someone put a sticker on the sign asking why a lamp light isn't working at a particular home? I swear it wasn't me! The association probably won't believe me since I already had this fight with them and it cost me $377.00 to fix the light. Their argument is that if I had an emergency the ambulance wouldn't be able to see my house number (yes the house number must be on the light). My response, "Don't they have headlights on the vehicles? Won't they see the large house number on my garage? Do they have GPS?" As I said I lost that battle and forked over an entire month of wine purchases to have it fixed.  Last year our president tried to pass a rule that we had to get a background check on our visitors if they stayed over a certain period of time. I'm not kidding! Th...

 IT'S OVER IT'S FINALLY OVER! 2020 has come to an end finally, I sure hope it doesn't let the door hit it in the ass on it's way out. I've never been so happy to be another year older, unless it was when I was 15 so I could drive. We don't want to screw up 2021 so here are some examples of good luck around the world.  1. Brazilians wear white on New Years because it brings good luck and peace. If you're from Ohio and never wear white after Labor Day this is the year to break that tradition. Would you rather break a fashion rule or repeat 2020? It's up to you! 2. In Denmark a broken dish is good luck. Neighbors, friends and family go to each other's home and smash a plate on your door step. The more shards you get the more well liked and lucky you will be. I don't suggest we use this one in Sun City Center, I've heard some of these old farts can't take a joke. 3. In Spain you'll need to eat 12 grapes. Sounds easy huh? Well you have to ...

 Happy Whatever You and Yours Celebrate! We've made it to mid December, yeah for us. I've rewritten a famous Christmas song for you.  On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a doughnut from the bakery. 🍩 On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two turtle candies and a doughnut from the bakery.  On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three French pastries, two turtle candies and a doughnut from the bakery. On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four petit fours, three French pastries, two turtle candies and a doughnut from the bakery.  On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five cherry pies, four petit fours, three French pastries, two turtle candies and a doughnut from the bakery. On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, six bags of Cheetos,  five cherry pies, four petit fours, three French pastries, two turtle candies and a doughnut from the bakery. On the seventh day...

  Walking the Streets Are you looking for something to pass the time while you're in self imposed lock down? After walking the dog around the block I decided to bring her home and go walking alone. I want to lose some weight and break up the boredom of spending a day alone with just me, the TV and the refrigerator. I've learned so much about my neighbors and my entire community. I know who are Republicans and who are Democrats. I know who are Gator fans and who support the Buckeyes. I've learned long walks on recycle days will show who to invite to a party. I passed one house with the recycling container over flowing with wine and beer bottles. That taught me that I'm not a wino, I'm just an upstanding member of my community. They say walking is the best exercise, it's also a walk down mem ory lane. I passed a house with a couple taking a break from putting up Christmas decorations. They were in lawn chairs listening to Waylon and Willie singing, "Mama Don...

Time To Get Your Turkey On Can you believe it's almost the holidays? I can, this has been the longest year I've ever lived through! 2020 - the year Karma took a dump on the world. Last December 31st when I feel asleep at the stroke of 10:00 little did I expect what the new year had in store for us mere mortals. I saw a social media post the other day that made me stop and think (I know you're not used to that activity from me), it said: "When you feel lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rut, stop to think about Anne Frank. She was in hiding in a small attic for 2 years, constantly in fear of being discovered by the Nazi's." Her story ended tragically and still makes me emotional. Well damn, what am I complaining about? Being in isolation with plenty of food, toilet paper and the internet doesn't seem so tough does it? I can even scream without worrying about being sent to a death camp. However, the neighbors could send me to the asylum. Anyway this starte...

 Hacked By My Best Friend So I step away from the house to go buy dog food and while I'm gone my dog hijacks my computer. I punished her with a serious talking to and two weeks with no Animal Planet on television. It is true that after 6 months in isolation, I screamed when I stepped on the scale. It's not true that my crap stinks. I can't believe she told you that after all the times I have had to hold my breath and pick up her poop two or three times a day. I was in shock after weighing myself. One of you guys told me that calories don't count when no one sees you eating them. BTW, that is so not true, "You Were Lying Like a No-legged dog." I was cooking comfort food that your grandma would be proud of, chicken pot pie with biscuits, stuffed peppers, country fried steak, Italian sausages. I made bacon, pancakes and eggs for breakfast. I told myself that I had some very good reasons for my food choices. 1.) No one had to look at me. 2.) Blanka doesn't car...

Life in the Pandemic according to Blanka Dear Readers of Mommy's Blog:  When this lockdown started in March, I was so happy. I had mom all to myself without her leaving me home everyday. She talked so sweetly, "Telling me that she didn't know what she would do without me. We went on walks and she fed me delicious food. Every night I got a little bit of people food. A bite or two of steak, a wedge of cheese, leftover chicken, etc. My favorites were pizza and cheeseburgers. Everything was going swimmingly until she stepped on a square white thing in the bathroom on the floor. She cried, "No, that can't be right. I can't weigh this much." I had no idea what the white thing was but I was immediately scared to stand on it.  Mom changed her behavior and our habits after that. We started going on long walks. I mean L-O-N-G walks, she'd call out numbers after looking at the thing she wears strapped to her wrist and smile. I soon came to know that the number 1...

"Memories light the corner of my mind" Dear Readers: I'm having a bit of a problem coming up with new material. I thought you might get a laugh from some of the men in my life. Let's start with dear old dad, may he rest in peace. One of my very first memories: I was 4 years old and my family was sitting at the dinner table we were waiting for dessert. My mom was not the best cook but boy could she cut a watermelon. I remember how sweet and sticky it was, love at first bite. I accidentally swallowed a seed, naturally I told daddy and asked him if it was okay. My dad was a natural comedian and he told me, "Oh no, if you don't poop out that seed, watermelon vines are going to grow out of your ears." Of course I ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet straining to poop out the seed. After a couple of minutes my mom heard me crying and came to my rescue, she found me on a stool, looking in the mirror for the vines. "Daddy was just kidding you." Me...

  Finding the real me A few days ago a friend recommended that I read the Harry Potter series. Me: "I don't like that magic stuff." She: "This is different, yes there is magic but the story is wonderful and it's very easy to read." I think this friend was trying to tell me something. She saw my magical abilities and wanted me to recognize that I'm special. I read the first book and then I started making some connections. A few days ago my ice maker stopped working. I opened the phone book to call a repairman when the freezer make a "kerplunk" sound so I opened the door and sure enough there was the first ice I'd had in 3 days. A coincident? Maybe, but not the first one. I recalled the day I was walking the dog and we saw a large black snake. Blanka barked at it, I jumped and the snake just slithered off out of sight. That snake knew not to bother us, it's Spidey senses realized I meant business. Then there's the time that I went to ...